Healing Through My Ink
When the war ends: loving someone through addiction and C-PTSD
Jasmine loved me through addiction and C-PTSD. I’m a veteran, a nurse and a mother, and I lived as a victim for forty-one years. This page is for the person doing the loving, and for the one being loved.
From the book: A note before this chapter: what follows is reproduced in my wife’s own words, as she gave them to me. They reflect her memory, her perception, and her experience of this time, not a clinical or verified account of events.
She ran her business, managed my suicidality, and held the perimeter while I was catatonic and dissociated.
Tiffany · Chapter 35 · My Wife’s Unexpected Purge
Her side
What does it feel like to love an addict?
Jasmine
Chapter 35 · My Wife’s Unexpected PurgeI always said I would never be with anyone who was an addict, and here I am married to one, and she happens to be my twin flame.
Is it normal to resent the person you’re caring for?
Jasmine
Chapter 35 · My Wife’s Unexpected PurgeTo be honest, I didn’t feel like there was an end to it. I was on pause, and I was just trying to play catch-up. It’s okay for a little bit, a little period, but 3-4 years of it. Are we ever going to get out of it? This was really taking a toll on me; I was building resentment toward her.
I feel like I’m managing them, not loving them.
Jasmine
Chapter 35 · My Wife’s Unexpected PurgeHer negative self-talk was insane; no one could even tell her anything. I felt like she was one of my clients, cueing her, and trying to manage her days.
What does my addiction do to the person who loves me?
Jasmine
Chapter 35 · My Wife’s Unexpected PurgeI felt like I was on the sidelines, still dealing with everything, exhausted; I couldn’t even dye my grey hairs because my hair was falling out faster than it was growing in. I put on all that weight. How is this going to work? Now that I’m half dead, half bald and fat, and now she’s finally coming around? That’s fucking nice. I was angry; I set boundaries.
They’re getting better. Why can’t I trust it?
Jasmine
Chapter 35 · My Wife’s Unexpected PurgeEven after two weeks of her being home from Rythmia, I didn’t want to get my hopes up; I just wasn’t sure how long these changes were going to last. Is she for real? Is this for real? I don’t want to be too excited and then be disappointed; this would most definitely damage our relationship. I have to self-preserve.
Twin flames & triggers
Is this a twin flame thing?
Tiffany
In the world of twin flames, I carry the divine feminine energy and she holds the masculine, and before you go there, it has nothing to do with gender.
Chapter 35 · My Wife’s Unexpected PurgeWe are perfect mirrors of one another; our soul blueprints didn’t just meet – they locked together like two massive continental plates, clicking into place – building a new world together.
What happens when your twin flame triggers you?
Tiffany
Chapter 4 · SedonaThe joys of being twin flames, the endless never-ending mirroring triggers disaster! My soft programming glitched; I wanted her to feel the pain that I was feeling.
How do you come back from a trigger?
Tiffany
The next morning, in bed having coffee – hers with cream and honey, mine with more honey – we discussed the shutdown due to the trigger, and I was able to explain to her my feelings.
I asked her to simply observe over the next few months and to withhold her critical motherly tone as best she can, as I am also navigating the new me and will adjust as I go.
Chapter 33 · The Shift“I know I was an asshole. I knew it while it was happening. Give me a minute to fix it before you tell me I’m broken.”
Why doesn’t my partner feel like the same person anymore?
Jasmine
Jasmine, as told in Chapter 33 · The Shift“I can’t see it anymore. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, just different. Something is missing. I don’t know yet if I’m going to enjoy this new Tiff. This is going to take time. I have to get to know you again.”
Tiffany
She dated Tiff 1.0; she married Tiff 2.0. She’s now living with Tiff 3.0. Nobody asked her if she signed up for the upgrade.
Chapter 33 · The ShiftBut the thing she saw missing wasn’t gone. It was just offline by choice.
What does intimacy look like after this?
Tiffany
Chapter 33 · The ShiftI didn’t just react; I translated my internal world to her. In my opinion, this level of communication is the highest form of intimacy you can experience. I asked her to trade certainty for intimacy, and this changed the structure of our relationship.
My side
Why did my partner fall apart after I got better?
Tiffany
Chapter 35 · My Wife’s Unexpected PurgeCaregivers don’t collapse during the war. They collapse when the war ends. The moment the fighter realizes the war is over and has a panic attack of relief.
What do I owe the person who stayed?
Tiffany
Chapter 11 · System CrashI had a cluster of seizures. I don’t remember all of them. My wife does. She remembers all of them. She is the one who kept me out of a body bag. She didn’t sign up for this. None of this was in the terms of service she agreed to, and she still stayed. I owe her more than this book can hold.
I am different because of the jungle, but I am here because of you.
From my vow to Jasmine · Chapter 35
The rest of it is in the book.
Jasmine’s full account is in Chapter 35. The rest of the book is what she was carrying me through.
More about the bookI treat your email as sacred. Most of what I do will live here on the website, not on the platforms.
Seen. Not alone. There’s a way out.
If you are currently in crisis, please reach out before or while you read. Canada: Suicide Crisis Helpline, call or text 988 (24/7, free, bilingual). Veterans, CAF members, RCMP and their families: VAC Assistance Service 1-800-268-7708 (24/7, free, no VAC client status required). Anywhere in the world: findahelpline.com
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This book and the trilogy that follows are intended for informational and educational purposes only. The content reflects the author’s personal interpretation of clinical and scientific information and should not be considered professional medical advice. Readers are advised to consult qualified healthcare professionals for personalized advice, diagnosis, and treatment. Nothing in these pages is a substitute for professional medical care.
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